NAP WARS: 5 BEST PLACES TO NAP IN LOS ANGELES
The very officially unofficial debate on Los Angeles’ best spots for catnaps, siestas and forty winks.
By: Ortho Dream Team | May 23, 2018
It’s the cold war that has raged for millennia, humanity’s sleep stakes, the one-sided tug of rope between the sun and the moon. For all of recorded history, the moon has kept its iron-tight grip, forcing man to sleep only when the sun has set. But naps are the great unifier. Man’s original power bank. And only in the recent nanosecond of human history has the nap emerged to usurp the night’s power of sleep. The Romans had the post-lunch “lie down.” The Spanish are serious about siesta. Einstein and Da Vinci praised the afternoon snooze. Paul Revere’s storied nap resupplied his energy for the midnight ride. For too long, the night sky has kept proprietary control over our sleep schedule. It is time we break free from the yoke of nighttime sleeping.
So if you are going to nap, you’ll need a place to do it. After intensive field research, months of test napping, and questionable experimentations, our team has agreed upon the five best locations for Los Angeles nappers. But now it’s time to consolidate and choose a definitive winner.
Will Rogers Beach
Ortho Mattress Showroom
This Park Bench
Car Backseat on 405
In order to rank our nap locations, we will use the not-yet-formed-but-should-exist Nap Federation’s criteria for judging a snooze spot. The categories are weighted equally, ranked, allotted a maximum five points, and judged with bias from a jury of one:
Can I be horizontal? Is there neck support or pillow-type substitute? How akin is my resting place to the Luxury Pillowtop?
At Griffith Park, comfort is wide-ranging, but with proper due diligence, you can find an isolated, well-manicured lawn to take position. The same can be said of Will Rogers. Not to mention the health benefits that come with a sand sarcophagus. But grass and sand cannot hold a candle to the daily options and sleep-on-a-marshmallow feeling at the Ortho Mattress store. It’s a bit unfair to compare a pillow top to a bench top two, but hey, that’s what we’re here for.
Griffith Park – (3) | Ortho Mattress – (5) | Will Rogers – (2) | Park Bench – (1) | Car Backseat (4)
Will this be an uninterrupted, blissful snooze? Can you reach the deepest valley of your REM?
No location has a clear edge here. The parks and beaches raise concerns of noisy passersby. As one of North America’s largest urban parks, Griffith Park nappers can find isolated nooks to ensure seclusion. And the store will have a sleep specialist, but just consider him or her the bouncer to your dreams—assuring you a restful, harmonious slumber. The car is our only participant on wheels. Otherwise, Car ambiance can be controlled barring any rogue honkers. But rogue trees and rogue waves are real things and they are bad things and bad things cannot be overlooked.
Griffith Park – (5) | Ortho Mattress – (2) | Will Rogers – (1) | Park Bench – (3) | Car Backseat (4)
Accessibility and Spontaneity
When the afternoon fatigue comes barreling towards you, how quickly can you get into proper nap position?
While the aforementioned bench may be the golden ideal, it may be your unreachable El Dorado. In that case, any park bench will also do the job, making it the clear runaway here. Much of Los Angeles slogs through the 405, and the unforgivingly relentless traffic guarantees daily so as long as your a passenger. Unfortunately, the siesta schlep to Griffith Park and Will Rogers relegate these spots to mere weekend recharges. But hey, with 62 locations in Southern California, there’s almost always a midday mattress getaway.
Griffith Park – (1) | Ortho Mattress – (3) | Will Rogers – (2) | Park Bench – (5) | Car Backseat (4)
There is a chance, perhaps slim, that you do wake up from your rest with Ryan Gosling’s perfectly-gelled hair and an itch to save Jazz. But cats sleep on park benches, allowing you to achieve full catnap status. Will Rogers can gift you a bronze glow and strong snooze. That’s a two-pronged power nap. However, the beach does bring concern that you will be ‘sleeping with the fishes’ and you don’t want to mess with those bad Corleone jujus. The calming waves bouncing along the shoreline is the natural Bach-lullaby you didn’t know you needed.
Griffith Park – (4) | Ortho Mattress – (3) | Will Rogers – (2) | Park Bench – (5) | Car Backseat (1)
Everyone likes an underdog story, and this competition did not disappoint. The first ever Nap Wars have concluded with a PARK BENCH victory. Before we bog down and await the swath of angry letters from Ortho employees and Griffith Park rangers, we would like to congratulate and wish you good luck with all your future napping.
Griffith Park – (12) | Ortho Mattress – (13) | Will Rogers – (7) | Park Bench – (14) | Car Backseat (12)
Comment below to help us decide which city to do next!